New Website!

Hi

If you've found your way to my blog from an old link, you may like to know that I have a brand new home...

http://cardtherapy.co.uk/

Hope to see you there!

Emma x

Are We Nearly There Yet?

The countdown has begun...Four days this week, three and a half next week (fingers crossed I have a babysitter on Thursday for a few hours), one the week after, and blast off! It's back to pre-school/nursery they go! We've recovered from our collective end-of-term exhaustion and spent the last few weeks making and breaking things, fighting like cat and dog one minute and being best buddies the next, all the while laughing and crying in equal measures, and that's just me and my husband. We've had fun in the sun, paddling pool and several parks, been on holiday, had lazy days, borrowed countless library books, performed pyjama drama, chalked all over the flags/fence/garden wall (& kitchen when mummy wasn't looking), painted, coloured, stickered, done jigsaws, lego, play doh, rode our bike/truck/tractor/scooter, played with moon sand, playpit sand and beach sand, learned new words (not all of them suitable to repeat when back at kindergarten), grown a bit (the kids), shrunk a bit (me), and all got a little bit older and wiser in the process. It's been fab, not nearly as bad as I feared, better than I could have hoped. But...orrrrrr [aaargh]....are we nearly there yet? [please hurry up 3rd September]...I'm hungry [my enthusiasm is diminishing]...I'm bored [I need some head space]...I WANT THAT! NO I WANT THAT! IT'S MINE! NO IT'S MINE! [I really really really need some peace and quiet!].

So we're pushing on through this week, with a busy schedule to get us to the weekend! Another weigh-in this morning and another two pounds lost. Critical me couldn't help but be a little disappointed that it wasn't more, obviously I want to be slim again, like, now. I know, I know, losing two pounds a week is perfect. I've got to keep going, there's no quick fix (if only), and I would really like to be able to wear my wedding and engagement rings again. I can't remember what my weight was when they became just too uncomfortable, but I was able to wear them at the end of my last pregnancy so that is weight goal number one. Watch this space.

It was health appointments galore last week whilst my husband was still on holiday from work: dentist, doctors, opticians, chiropractors; even the car got a once-over. I must admit to having a little wobble (mental health speak in our house for having negative thoughts that spiral into a minor meltdown) on the day of our dentist appointment. I had made us a family appointment, mainly because I find it easier to manage potentially tricky situations if my husband is around, particularly as an extra pair of hands and eyes on the boys, as well as for moral support. However when the receptionist called us to go up to the dentist, she asked us loudly across the (full) waiting room to go up two at a time instead of all together. Well if you could see hackles rising, you'd have seen mine from space. The lioness in me roared at the receptionist (who is going to manage my youngest cub whilst I'm lay back looking at the ceiling with my jaws wide open???) whilst feeling humiliated at having to justify why I wanted us all to go together, in front of the waiting room audience, then promptly leapt up the stairs (husband and boys in tow) and roared at the dentist before he could even say come-in. Of course, the dentist was politeness personified and coaxed the lioness back down from fight mode quite easily whilst my husband looked on and smiled that knowing smile. (Luckily his 'would like to meet' profile included 'Latin temperament'). Of course my over-reaction stems from anxiety (This was not as planned/something bad will happen/ I won't cope). Most of the time, my anxiety level is very low, but at vulnerable moments I struggle. Mind (mental health charity) explain anxiety better than I can here. I relate to the paragraph explaining about being distressed and unable to cope in a particular situation in the past and then if a similar circumstance arises it can trigger the same feelings. The amateur psychologist in me thinks something about having to leave one child and keep the other one with me could have stirred up distress from my hospital admission.

I am sharing my little wobble simply to encourage awareness of anxiety and its symptoms (explained in the Mind link - if you haven't looked already look now!). I know it is impossible to expect people to know what someone else is thinking or feeling. I just hope that openness may encourage understanding which may inspire compassion.

Working on my pledge - Time to Change.

Emma x

Sun, Sea and Sand!

The perfect summer holiday combination and we've been lucky enough to have experienced all three in Scarborough last week. Better than expected weather, a fabulous sea-view apartment and technology-free time together was just the tonic we all needed. It really is true what they say about sea-air - my husband and I slept so well! I can't say the same for the boys - endless excitement, sharing a bedroom, and lack of routine meant they slept much less than normal and have come home exhausted. So the sleep catch up begins, and the purging of sand from every item we own! It was soooo worth it though and particularly as this was our first family holiday since our youngest was born over two years ago. Due to my postnatal depression (The Summer I'd Like To Forget) going on holiday just hasn't been an option before now.

Managing my stress levels and accepting my limitations is still an integral part of keeping myself well. It must seem strange to those without experience of anxiety and depression, surely a holiday would be just what you'd need? Wouldn't it be great if you could cure people of depression with a good holiday beside the sea?! Stuff the pharmaceuticals, get the travel agents in! However, what is really an obvious symptom of depression - a loss of interest or pleasure in usual activities and withdrawing from social contact - rules out holidays during a depressive episode. If I'd have been offered a month in the Maldives during my illness I'd have either have said that I couldn't give two hoots about the Maldives (less politely) or anywhere else for that matter or agreed if I could have had assurance that the plane would crash and finish me off. Recovery from depression is also a slow process and regaining self-confidence to get back 'out there' requires baby steps. The process of recovery includes redeveloping life skills, regaining control of your life and goal-setting. I can still remember going out of the house on my own again for the first time last year as vividly as I remember going on a bus for the first time with my friend on our own aged eleven! It's scary but you have a sense of achievement with each step forward you take. I felt a foreign holiday would probably have been too much for me this year - the thought of packing with restrictions, managing myself and the boys in a confined space like an aeroplane, and worrying about the unknown could cause enough stress to ruin it. But I knew I could manage filling the car to the roof, a car journey across Yorkshire, stopping whenever needed, and staying in accommodation we have previously visited on a day trip. In actual fact, I just got on with the planning and organising, even feeling excited about our holiday. It still surprises me when I am able to feel really like 'me' again. Now I can say 'I did it!', without a meltdown in sight, I feel proud of myself and the icing on the cake is that we all had an amazing time. Here's to the organic process of recovery and proof that it really does 'get better'.

As for my dietary challenge, I can also report progress there too! Last Monday's weigh-in showed another 2lb loss and despite abandoning the diet and calorie-counting in order to make the most of our holiday (ice-creams on the promenade in particular), yesterday's weigh-in showed I have just maintained, with no weight-gain! Thrilled to bits. I think the dragon boat pedalo helped - I had thighs of steel after that! Well perhaps not quite. Back to it now and hoping to get a bit more walking in this week.

Onto my card therapy of the last couple of weeks. Before the holiday I had been working really hard on my latest creation and managed to complete it yesterday.
I would like to enter this card into the following challenges:
'Make it Festive' blog challenge by Lili of the Valley. There is an amazing prize up for grabs to become a member of their Guest Design Team!
Winter Wonderland Challenge Blog - Cute Christmas
Cute Card Thursday - Challenge 281 - Die-ing to punch
As You Like It Challenge #8 - Favourite Ribbon or Twine - I really don't have just one favourite as I adore using either on all my creations but my favourite colour of ribbon or twine is red so here it is! I desperately wanted to use some beautiful red velvet ric rac on this card but just couldn't fit it in anywhere. It WILL feature somewhere soon though!
Christmas Cards All Year Round - August Challenge - Christmas Extravaganza Make It Fussy and Fancy
Crafty Hazelnuts Christmas Challenge 137 - Picture inspiration - Trees and snowflakes

I created my own card blank for this one from Centura Pearl pastel blue in an 8x8" size. I matted some dark blue pearl paper and paper from LOTV 'Frosty Christmas' pad which I won last year!

The stamped image is LOTV 'Decorating the Tree' coloured with Promarkers, a real bobble for the hat, bit of obligatory glitter, and glossy accents on the baubles. I die-cut around the image with Spellbinders Lattice rectangles and also two smaller sizes in the dark blue pearl paper again with more 'Frosty Christmas' matted inside. 

The border at the bottom was created with Tonic Studios mini tree punch with border system and sponge daubed with Brilliance Moonlight White ink to give the effect of snow. I also used a Brilliance Dew Drop in Pearlescent Thyme to ink the edges of the trees from the back of the paper. You can see some red Craftwork Cards Candi in the bottom right.

Next I added wooden snowflake embellishments that I double embossed (I like the depth and coverage double embossing gives) in +WOW! Embossing Powders in opaque bright white and clear sparkle, and threaded them with some baker's twine. I always make little notches in the card to hold string embellishments in place.

Lastly I added the sentiment, this probably took the longest of all, as I tried several different colourways, shapes and sizes, but eventually settled on this pre-printed sentiment from +Craftwork Cards mounted on a punched dark blue pearl paper circle with white inked edges and then mounted on white pearl card die cut with Spellbinders Lacey Circles and hung with more baker's twine. This swings freely like a tree ornament!

To my uncrafty readers please accept my apologies for the summer Christmas card, whilst the crafty readers among you will know I am very late getting started!!!

Thanks for reading, next stop - the Maldives,

Emma x

Confessions of a Secret Eater

Good news was certainly not expected as I stepped onto the scales in Boots on Monday morning. As discussed in Can I do the other five? I had started to think fighting the flab was a losing battle. But it just goes to show how negative thoughts can become utterly convincing truths, despite that not being the case, as it turns out I have managed to lose 4 pounds on the previous week! Of course my first thought was 'the scales can't be right, I won't believe it until next week when I weigh myself again'. Typical negative thinking - must stop that! In reality though, using 'My Fitness Pal' (calorie-counting app) is such an eye opener, I honestly didn't know there were so many calories in bread! Apart from chocolate of course, bread is my biggest sacrifice now. It is such a help to know exactly what I am consuming and to keep track, it really has motivated me to reduce my intake. I would hazard a guess at 1000-1500 calories-worth of a reduction (I probably wouldn't have said that much before watching 'Secret Eaters' but that was another eye-opener!) Not only that, but obviously improving the nutritional quality of my diet goes alongside with calorie counting so I have dropped the butter from my potatoes, reduced my portions, dragged myself away from the oh so lovely chocolate hobnobs and cut out the stress-relieving/end-of-the-day/serotonin-inducing chocolate binge boo hoo (apart from last Friday of course ha, I'm no angel). Despite what some people think (Big Food and the Calorie Trap), I'm pretty sure the vast majority of consumers understand the importance of 'healthy' calories versus calorie counting four Mars bars and calling it a day. Thankfully the scales sang me a happy song because it has given me another kick and I've been full of renewed enthusiasm this week. I WILL lose the flab!

Anyway another benefit of card therapy is keeping my hands busy of an evening! So I have been working hard on my latest creation, very hard indeed! I have seen a couple of inspiring craft magazine articles about pinwheels and finally gave it a go myself.

I made the pinwheel first, using paper from Dreamcatcher by First Edition and curled it gently as I folded the corners over. I covered a straw with similar washi tape and attached the pin wheel by pushing the tiny brad into the straw and folding the brad arms inside the straw so it can actually turn round. I inked up a doily with Brilliance pearlescent purple and my card blank with VersaMagic Pink Petunia - the finished surface with these chalk inks is so lovely. I die cut the paper for the sentiment with Spellbinders labels 16, used Kanban clear stamps from a set, and embossed with pastel pink Wow! embossing powder. The ribbon was just a short piece from my stash but the colours matched perfectly. I struggled a bit with the bow, I originally wanted a real bow around the pinwheel 'stick' but had to settle with a false one stuck on with double-sided tape. The flowers I made from a sheet of white die cuts from +Craftwork Cards which I again inked with VersaMagic Pink Petunia, Perfect Plumeria, and Purple Hydrangea (love those names!) and finished with Card Candi centres. My husband doesn't like it. I do though!

Over the hump now, 2 days to the weekend!

Emma x

Can I do the other five?

Well I hold my hands up; bloody hell I'm relieved it's Saturday. Five whole days with a 2 and 3 year old ALL day has near dun' me in. Yes I know I should consider myself lucky, I have two beautiful children, and I do, I really do. I love them with all my heart and soul but by heck they're hard work. Please can somebody tell me I'm not on my own?

The week started out great - my tolerance level for the fighting, the mess, the noise, the demands, the irrationality was pretty high and I was calmness personified. By midweek the decline was underway, and by Friday it was serious meltdown "I can't do this" on the phone to my husband at work. I consider myself pretty strong in character, I've survived too much to be anything less, but no-one can prepare you for the relentlessness of bringing up children.

There have been some hairy moments this week - "I've breaked your compooter mummy" shouted up the stairs to me as I put the laundry away; a potty training disaster "But he's sitting on my BEDROOM CARPET!" reported the panic-stricken big brother (leave that to your imagination); and the wrestling that gets out of hand just as I've made it to the bathroom to avoid my own near-miss. Of course, some magical ones too - my eldest helping me out by putting his and his brother's shoes on as we got ready to leave the house; when he finally learned to actually balance on the balance bike and the ear-to-ear grin that went with it; and just watching them enjoy each other's company and make up games together ('dinosaur-hunting' was a good one). If only you could have a lunch break with this job, I'm sure it would be easier to get through the afternoon, surely there ought to be a European Directive. 24 hours a day for 18 years can't be optimum working conditions.

Anyway the weekend emergency respite team (aka hubby) has arrived and thankfully I have had some head space this morning. It may sound selfish to those that don't need 'head space' from their children or anything else for that matter, but I can't live my life to only please others. It isn't about being selfish anyway. Another great comment from my therapist was "Your children's needs are 100% important and your needs are 100% important". I used to argue against that sentiment - well if my children and I are both hungry, I would always feed them first. But the sentiment is not about prioritising, of course I will always prioritise my children's needs over my own, that is a mother's natural instinct I think. It is more about meeting your own needs in addition to your children's. It's a juggling game, and some days their needs take priority all day long, so that by the end of the day it feels as if there is nothing left of me. My resilience to these stresses is not as good as the twenty-something mum that can home birth seven children, breastfeed them all, cope with all the washing, and home-school them, then be filmed with a big smile on her supermodel face for a documentary on top (did you see that programme, on ages ago, astounded me?!). My resilience against stress did not develop fully in childhood, hence my predisposition for depression (postnatal depression wasn't my first incidence). That resilience guards you from depression is well documented. I wish I could be Monday-morning-calm all week through, but in the absence of that I do the best I can, even though sometimes I feel that is not good enough, and my heart feels selfish for even needing/wanting a break this morning. In my head I know I am a better mother after a break than I was before it.

So I managed a little card therapy this morning to help focus my mind and clear my head. I have re-worked a butterfly I previously made but didn't like on its intended card, and put it on a different card. I have done a bit of quilling too, which is just great for relaxation.

I have used +Craftwork Cards scallop and sentiment die-cuts, butterfly stamp template and Card Candi, all bought at their factory outlet clearance sale a few weeks ago. A stripe of washi tape and there is my card.

I would like to enter this card into the Polkadoodles Blog Challenge - Let it Fly and
A Creative Romance Blog Challenge - No Designer Papers, many thanks!

I have also finally managed to make a pin-wheel, which I have been meaning to do for ages so that will be the focus of my next card when I get chance for it!

Diet update: well that was another thing getting to me by Friday - despite being strict with myself I still don't feel like I am losing any weight and I'm sure I would be aware if I was, and given my low mood by the end of the week I fell off the wagon spectacularly last night to the tune of copious amounts of Minstrels and chilli peanuts. I am more convinced than ever that I am fighting against the effects of my medication particularly since reading this blog post on Evolutionary Psychiatry (although point to note - don't bother reading her last judgemental, patronising paragraph). Frighteningly - in the comments section - posts the marathon runner who went from having a six pack to putting on 25lbs of fat on antidepressants. I am no marathon runner so what chance do I have? Anti-depressants and weight gain as a side effect is obviously not a pressing concern for the pharmaceutical industry, and I'm sure they are probably working on a drug they can sell you as an add-on for this, just to make a few more billion out of those of us that have dysfunctional brain chemistry. Anyway, I'm back on it today and we'll see what my Monday morning weigh-in brings. At the very least I need some evidence to take to my GP if I want her to re-investigate my thyroid or last resort - consider changing my drug.

Would love to hear your experiences if you stop by, and hope your weekend is an enjoyable one,

Emma x

Boy oh Boy!

The little Prince has finally arrived and my goodness you couldn't have missed it if you tried! I must admit I was keen to hear the news and get a glimpse but "we still haven't got a name yet" by every reporter on every channel every five minutes was ridiculous. I am more interested in the nitty gritty reality of birth but that is their private story and I'm sure it will stay that way. I found myself wondering about the risk of postnatal depression for Kate - is it greater or lesser than the 1:10 incidence? Hopefully less, with the high level of support at her disposal. But perhaps more - the immense pressure must take its toll and surely feel heavier right now than ever before. Good luck to them though, that first night at home with your new baby is amazing and terrifying!

Diet update - day 8 done and I have been under my calorie goal every day but boy oh boy it's hard! The hunger pangs are definitely diminishing as my stomach and body adjusts to less food. However the psychology hasn't changed and I still have carb cravings and want to self-medicate with chocolate in the evening as a stress reliever after the boys have gone to bed. Although I don't think the side effects of the medication are actually as bad as they used to be perhaps 6 months ago and more, as even my husband doesn't think I could have managed dieting then. I don't even feel like I'm losing any weight yet which is a little demoralising but I will hold out until next Monday morning until I take a trip to Boots for a weigh-in. Still giving it my best shot though.

Summer holiday update so far so good, we're having fun and I'm enjoying the time with my boys. We started Pjama Drama yesterday with a little reluctance at the start of the class but by the end the eldest was developing his theatrical side and the little one had found himself a girlfriend and was playing hide and seek in the curtains. Today was a trip to feed the ducks and a scooter/bike ride round the park. We had to watch where we were treading though as there were thousands of teeny weeny frogs jumping all over the place. Weird! The red bit is my welly boot:

As for crafting, well I'm going to struggle to find the time over summer so may not have too much to upload. Since we're on the subject of miniature things, I received a pre-order this week from a couple of months ago:

It's a Memory Box Die - Auto Parts. I knew it was small but didn't realise it was so small! Very cute though so I am looking forward to making use of it. Wish it had three pairs of wheels though, I'll always be two short! Got a couple of boy's birthdays coming up so they will come in handy.

Fingers crossed for another good day tomorrow.
Thanks for stopping by,
Emma x

The F Word...

You could hear a pin drop right now - I'm enjoying some Saturday afternoon peace whilst all the boys have gone to the park. It has been a relaxing morning too despite a 5:45am start; leisurely breakfast, excited car washing (a must-do activity for any little person), a bit of Peter Rabbit and  - the pay-off for the early start - much needed naps all round. I think we're all suffering end-of-term syndrome here and a little heat exhaustion. Luckily the sun has relented today providing respite from the intense glare of the last couple of weeks. It is great to have unobscured sun but we do seem to have had everything in its extreme form this year haven't we? A little moderation would go a long way methinks.

Which links very cleverly to my subject matter of the day - the F word - have you guessed it yet? No not the mutterings of parents who stand barefooted on stray lego, but even worse, dare I say it - FAT! Yes the time has come for me to finally get proactive and do something about my weight. My recent back injury has been the straw that has broke the camel's back - pun intended. I know my weight has exacerbated my injury and prolonged my recovery which has given me the motivation to challenge myself. Without disclosing my actual weight, which would be far too mortifying, I can tell you that I have put on 3 stones since starting on my anti-depressant medication, which is a whole 5 stones more than my pre-pregnancy weight. That is a depressing fact in itself, one which I have not been in a position to face until now. I have done and still do blame a good proportion of the weight gain on the meds, however as my GP so aptly (bluntly?) stated "the only thing that makes you put on weight is eating too many calories" and although I don't necessarily completely agree, it's a fair point.

I am not one to be overly concerned with my weight, I have actually always quite liked my womanly figure, hourglass shall we say (Marilyn Monroe in my head), child-bearing hips (proved when my second child was born looking up, which gives a wider diameter of the fetal skull than the natural looking down position - ouch); the product of strong Italian and Lancastrian heritage, genetically skinny I am not. I have never dieted, only the occasional teenage starve/binge/purge phases, in-between boyfriends probably. But now, with the help of a fantastic app called 'My Fitness Pal', I am calorie counting. It also links with the 'RunKeeper' app, which thankfully doesn't just Keep Runs but Walks too, so I can earn myself some more calories by having a nosey at the rest of the village of an evening. Just as I did not want to let postnatal depression beat me (I considered it a fight between it and me), I also do not want to feel the medication has such a hold on me that I feel disgusted at my reflection. I'm sure many people have experienced the intense hunger cravings some anti-depressant medication gives some people, and I am certainly one of them. It was a strange sensation to me as I have always weirdly enjoyed the feeling of being hungry, maybe it was the sense of control over my body. If that's the case then I feel the medication has taken away my sense of control of my appetite. I have found the hunger pangs actually painful, become extremely irritated when hungry and also cannot tolerate any waiting time to eat. It has given me symptoms of hypoglycaemia - shaking, sweating, and light-headedness after just 3 hours of not eating even though I have tested negative for diabetes. I am certain the medication has some sort of pseudo effect on my blood sugar/insulin levels, although I have no evidence for this. I do feel I know my own body very well and have experienced two previous episodes of significant weight gain, which I felt were caused by hormonal contraceptives, and were followed by significant weight loss back to my 'normal' when I stopped those contraceptives. Two attempts at coming off my medication, primarily motivated by my wish to lose weight, have proved extremely detrimental to my currently stable mental state and without wishing to get into the discussion about coming off anti-depressants and discontinuation syndrome, I have decided not to try again for the foreseeable. Common consensus is that it is still too soon for me.

Must continue later - the boys are back!

So I am now at the end of day 5 and despite going into the red with our tapas dinner, I have managed to get back into the black with an evening stomp up and down our nearest steep hill. That is what I love about these apps - you can see in an instant where you are up to and seeing the numbers right in front of you makes it so simple. Plus now I have written it down here, that means I have to keep going so this is another motivational tool for me. I am going to manage the hunger pangs better and choose my food more wisely. I watched a fascinating programme about foods that may aid weight loss this week, not that the title hinted at that at all - 'Britain's Favourite Supermarket Foods', worth a watch if you are interested.

Whilst I am recommending programmes - an amazing documentary 'Diaries of a Broken Mind' is must-see tv for those interested in mental health, if only to follow the story of Jess, who has Dissociative Identity Disorder - she is amazing! Stick with it despite the wobbly self-filming, it is worth it.

Finally my card therapy for the last few days has been working on a card for Mary Poppins (The Summer I'd Like To Forget). It is a bright summery card using my latest Spellbinders dies:

They are Whimsical Tree and Flower Burst and this is the first time I have used them. I tried about 6 different colours of tree and finally settled on this copper mirri card. Cut-rite is absolutely brilliant to use with these kind of dies - makes life much simpler. I added the sunshine-of-the-scene sentiment on some lovely orange Papermania card and die-cut that with Ribbon Tags Trio Two and attached it with WRMK washi tape. The butterfly was a wooden blank that I inked up with Dew Drops - Memento Morocco & Brilliance Rocket Red, and embossed with Wow! clear gloss and clear sparkle embossing powder. I've used a mix of powders for the brown body, just leftovers from a previous endeavour! I've also used Brilliance inks and finger sponges to colour the flowers. The paper is from First Edition Spring Drop. Hope you like it!

I would like to enter this card into the following blog challenges:
Wow! Embossing Powder Challenge - Summer & Sunshine
Polkadoodles Challenge Blog - Summer Fun

Thank you for reading. Enjoy the rest of your weekend whatever the weather!
Emma x

Another planet

Evening,

Late one tonight, I have been watching two programmes that really took all my attention. The first was the Great British Budget Menu highlighting the issue of food poverty. I was so shocked to see a pensioner rationing a packet of soup - half for his lunch and the other half for his dinner. Another was a mother who sacrificed her food so her daughter to eat more leaving herself just a cup of tea for her breakfast and lunch. I felt so ashamed of myself watching it, knowing what I complain about, when thousands of families in the UK are suffering food poverty like this. Some things you really need in-your-face to appreciate reality. The second was India: A Dangerous Place To Be A Woman, another really shocking, we-know-it-goes-on-but..., heavy viewing. Sometimes it is very difficult to fathom why the world is the way it is.

It is a challenge to strike a balance between wanting to be aware of what goes on in the world but at the same time not distressing yourself too much. My cheer-me-up viewing is now The Zoo. Marvellous. Overly amorous armadillos requiring contraceptive implants. Who knew?! Oh my goodness, just seen the new Ikea advert in the break, hilarious!

Anyway, thank you for all the lovely responses about my post yesterday. I'm glad to have got it off my chest actually! Busy day today, and have finished another card which made my youngest smile and say "that's Matthew going 5,4,2,1 blast off!" Cute.

The stamped image is LOTV 'Astronaut' and Craftwork Cards sentiment and Candi.

I would like to enter this card into the Passion for Promarkers Blog Challenge - 'colours of your flag' and I am using Union Jack colours. Also the Lisa.B.Designs Blog Challenge which has the theme of 'blue, red and white'! It was an enjoyable challenge to complete, just using colours I wouldn't normally put together and I think my card would give any four year old (ok most probably a boy) a smile on their birthday - my sons are the official Card Therapy focus group!

My husband is sighing loudly now, so better go...

love Emma x

The Summer I'd Like To Forget

Hi,

Middle of the week again already, summer holidays fast approaching, which means one thing - the panic is setting in about how to keep the boys happy and myself sane over the coming weeks! Plans are afoot, they have to be, it's how I operate. In his wedding speech, my husband even informed everyone that our roles are very clear, he's in charge of morale and I'm in charge of organisation. It's very true.

Play dates, trips out, and visits from Nana are all on the agenda, but I am also acutely aware that similar to a pregnant woman writing a birth plan, I will have no idea how it's actually going to go until the time arrives. In fact I will only really know in hindsight, once summer is over. There are moments when I'm dreading it, even though I love my children dearly. Forgive me if I sound a little dramatic about the impending end-of-term but the memory of summer of 2011 has left a pretty deep scar. An eighteen month old & a new baby, a house move to a different county, and the giving-up of my career to be a SAHM, amongst many other things contributed to a very sharp decline of my mental health. That summer in a few words - terrifying, despondent, and very, very sad. What I knew of postnatal depression before that summer could have been written on a piece of A4 when compared with the thirty volume encyclopaedia I know now. I didn't recognise that something was wrong until my son was 5 months old and even then I certainly didn't relate to the word 'depression'. The word itself sounds gloomy and that bore no relation to my feelings (I felt I just couldn't cope); perhaps that's the reason so many people don't admit to depression, nobody wants others to think they are miserable. Happy people attract others by the nature of their personality and people want to be seen in a positive light. However it's time for the taboo of being open about mental illness to be put to bed. It is not possible to go through life without being affected by mental illness either personally or by experiencing it through a loved one. It's therefore time for greater understanding, compassion, and education to facilitate quick access to help and successful recovery.

I descended into a place I never want to be again. At my worst I could not care for my children, make a meal, or be alone; never mind get dressed or even get up off the floor sometimes. I self-harmed and had suicidal fantasies many times a day (one of them was to go and ask a neighbour to get a gun and shoot me - I can almost laugh when I think about that one, good job it stayed a fantasy!). I am so grateful and lucky to have had the amazing support that I did and still do from my morale-boosting husband and fortunate enough to be admitted into a Mother & Baby Mental Health Unit. This is not easy to admit, nor pain-free to relive by writing about it however I believe it is crucial to be open. I am not ashamed of it, I know I was ill. The fact that just two weeks of medication brought me out of that hole and that 4 months later I was coping again and caring for my children on my own proves that. It is a very sad fact that many thousands of women in the UK will be experiencing some level of postnatal depression right now. Many hundreds of thousands more will be experiencing some level of depression and/or anxiety. Even more, the many other forms of mental illness such as eating disorders, addictions, phobias, post-traumatic stress, and bipolar disorder. The vast array of mental illnesses is hardly surprising given the complexity of the brain and thus should have a much lower threshold for recognition that things can go awry.

The purpose of this blog post is simply to talk about mental illness. Don't be afraid of it, just be aware of it. If you feel your daily life is becoming too difficult to face, tell someone. Get someone on side who cares about you and go to your GP. When you are in the midst of it, it is very tricky to recognise that your life isn't just 'like that' and that's how it will always be. It really isn't, and won't always be like that. But you do need help. Getting referred to the right people is like having a closed door unlocked for you.

I just happened to catch an interview on 'This Morning' yesterday of a very brave woman telling her story just two weeks after an actual suicide attempt, although I do think it somewhat unethical of the producers to put her on live television whilst she is still so vulnerable. However hopefully influential in raising awareness for younger viewers, therefore very praiseworthy, as she is a former star of 'The Only Way Is Essex'. See the interview here.

For me this summer won't be easy, without the fantastic support from the boys' nursery and staff. Last summer I had help at home twice a week by one of the staff members, our very own Mary Poppins! This year she has her own house move on the cards and so I'm on my own. There will definitely be times I will feel like buckling under the strain; when the boys are fighting, I still haven't got the washing on, haven't had time to go to the loo, we didn't make it to the park, there's nothing in for tea, I shouted too much today and the neighbours probably wished they could indeed shoot me, but... I can do it, I can cope and am well now and I have support. But if I really do fall over, I'll ask for help. Most of all, it'll be okay, might even be great!

Some important links for help and support:

Postnatal Depression

MIND

Mental Health Foundation

Arts Therapies

Take care,
Back to my next card therapy creation tomorrow!
Emma x

Watering Can Envy

The end of a long hot weekend, enjoyably spent at home in the garden, with the boys splashing around in the paddling pool, and my husband and I taking it in turns to be on playground duty. My youngest demonstrated his inheritance of the 'wind-up merchant' gene from his father by running off with the clean washing fresh off the line, hurling it into the paddling pool and laughing his head off. The eldest however earned some brownie points by bringing some pink roses home for me from a shopping trip with daddy, it's just a shame I put them in a vase with the flower food but without any water. They don't look so happy now. I swear I must have lost a million brain cells since having children. Hope you have all enjoyed your weekend too, sunbathing, barbecuing, enjoying the tennis, or just keeping the little ones from coming to blows over a watering can.

It seems strange to think that you might sit inside crafting on such a perfect weather weekend, however I'm sure many crafters would agree, a regular fix is as necessary as ice lollies in sunny weather! So in-between bouts in the garden, I retreated into my kitchen corner to work on my father-in-law's birthday card. I don't mind sharing this one ahead of the event as I'm pretty sure keeping up with my blog isn't top of his to do list (or even bottom).

It's quite a simple card:

I have returned to one of my first papercraft interests - teabag folding. I was introduced to this form of origami when I lived in the Netherlands in 1995. Dutch tea bags come in paper packets with beautiful designs on them, and folding them into kaleidoscope patterned shapes is such a simple but effective idea. With four dogs, I think it's fair to say my parents-in-law are dog-lovers which is why I have chosen the image below. The design is from 'Teabag Folding 2' by The Crafthouse Press and the pattern is created with a 'square fold'.

I have put a brad in the centre but that has actually made it a little bulky. It was only at the last minute I remembered my fairly new stash of Card Candi (Craftwork Cards) and it would probably have been better with a Candi in the middle but I settled for adding 3 in the corners instead as I love using them. My next dilemma was which direction to put the stripes on the Card Candi... I settled for diagonally....oooh controversial! The beautiful backing/matting papers are from the 'Dreamcatcher' First Edition pad.

Would love to hear from you if you stop by my blog.
Thanks for looking!
Emma x

Crunchie Day!

Happy Friday!

Finally the temperatures are rising and the grey clouds have disappeared to make way for a sunny weekend! I for one, am glad this week is almost over, it's been a tough one. My back pain reached a whole new level and I really struggled to bear it. However, repairs are underway at the chiropractors and also at home as I have leant on my husband heavily this week, metaphorically and physically/emotionally. The boys have been pretty good this week too and very loving with their mummy - cuddling up to me every time I lay on the floor in pain. So relaxing weekend due for all!

I had already made headway with my baby card as I mentioned in my 'Quickie' post and in-between muscle spasms this week I have managed to finish it! What do you think?

I really love the colours, more adventurous for me, but I think it's bright and happy. The main image is of course, Lili of the Valley 'Little Ducky', which I have coloured with Promarkers and then after several disastrous attempts at the sky, embossed it with Wow! embossing powders pastel blue and opaque bright white. The papers are from a beautiful pad 'Little Boy Blue' by Crate Paper that I bought from Handy Hippo. The little ducks are so cute aren't they?! The ribbon is from a selection box that I won from Fantastic Ribbons a little while ago, I love the two-tone nature of this ribbon, it's perfect for this card. (Available as a single reel 6mm orizzonte-orange). The little blue flowers in the corners were wooden blanks that I have again embossed in pastel blue. The orange flowers are created from Tonic Studios punches. The sentiment is again one of my favourites - Lili of the Valley.

I love this card, will be trying a female version very soon.

Finally check out new charity Mindfull, launched today, it is a mental health service for 11-17 year olds offering online support, information and advice and live chats with mentors, counsellors and health professionals. Help at the stroke of a keyboard - fantastic. They are also recommending mental health education in schools, to encourage openness, prevention and early interventions.

That's it from me today, would love to hear your comments if you stop by!
Enjoy the sunshine,
Emma x

Quickie

Evening all!

Longest gap between blog posts but don't worry my eye isn't off the ball! In view of my long tale in my last post, you'll be relieved to know this will be a quickie! The weather is currently a pile of poo but don't worry this is tomorrow (possibly):



Mmmm lovely!

Onto cards! These are baby cards I made a while ago:

The easel card blanks are from +Craftwork Cards , Spellbinders Lacey circles, Dreamweavers stencil and the really beautiful Lili of the Valley 'Baby Blanket' stamp and sentiment.

I am working on another baby card this week with a new colour for me - orange! Sounds weird for a baby card I know but I really like it! Might be finished tomorrow so will share asap. Depends on my back - off to a chiropractor in the morning to get manipulated, should have gone straight away!

Love Emma x

My Kryptonite

Hi all,

Have you ever been the subject of a gesture or a look from someone passing you (e.g. in a car) and not had time to respond before they're gone? The sense of frustration at not having the right of reply can be maddening. Well, get ready, here comes the tale; this morning my 2 year old son and I were out at the front of our house, in a quiet Close, in a little village. He was stood on the pavement excitedly watching a ride-on mower a few houses along, as boys do. Along came an SUV with a lady driving (I say lady, but am thinking of another word here). She all but came to a halt when she saw my son, and me perhaps 3 metres behind on the drive, and then drove as slow as humanly possible until they were safely past. That's great, you're thinking, how thoughtful!; and I would have thought that too, and given her a little wave in gratitude for spending those few seconds being considerate. But no. Why? Because she took advantage of those few seconds to give me a look that could have turned me to dust, never mind stone, a look of such disgust on her face, it turned a great mood into ever-worsening cycle of negative thoughts about myself.

So this is my reflection. I'm sure a lot of mothers, perhaps fathers too - I'm not sexist; would agree that their Kryptonite would be a critique of their mothering skills. This 'lady' clearly thought I should have closed that 3 metre gap and grabbed my son like a demented harridan at first sight of her vehicle. Although my over active imagination would happily encourage that sort of behaviour, rationally I do prefer an exposure-to-some-risk childhood in order to facilitate learning and good decision-making. I was speaking to my child throughout our time at the front of the house and do think that I was right to offer him a level of trust whilst repeating warnings about the road and the passing SUV as I observed protectively, praising him throughout. He was merely watching what was going on, not running about absent mindedly. So do you:
a) Obsess about the ifs, buts and maybes and think you must be the worst mother in the world.
b) Think perhaps she was right? But then no, I'm happy with my parental decision-making.
c) Shrug it off and forget all about it
d) Not even notice in the first place

My aim is to be a c) but I am mostly/automatically an a). It is my personality/ thinking style and I accept it, whilst having an awareness of the need to keep it under control.  My son and I retreated back into the house as I paced the kitchen letting my thoughts run away with me, "I'm stupid/why didn't I get hold of him/ there must be something wrong with me!" and I felt my breathing quicken as my anxieties were rising. Thankfully now, I can recognise that I am starting to do that and interrupt the cycle. I made myself a drink, thought 'I can blog this - this is useful' and mentally composed my rational side to enable the shrugging.

Excessive anxieties are a symptom of mental illness (link to symptoms and information from the National Institute of Mental Health) and my current status is that I do not have excessive anxieties, however can worryingly easily slip into that state of mind dependent on other extraneous variables at any given time. What I can do, in a good state of mental health, is recognise that it is irrational to extrapolate that you are the worst mother in the world from the look on someone's face!
These are my alternative explanations:
a) The driver is genetically challenged so she can't help the way her face looks
b) She has her own problems causing her to scowl at everyone she sees
c) She was just jealous because my son is more handsome than hers
d) She needed a wee
e) She wasn't thinking anything of the sort
f) She was thinking 'bad mother!' but SO WHAT! I know I am the BEST mother in the world for MY CHILDREN! The worst mothers in the world are in prison, not playing out with their sons.

If you recognise any patterns of irrational thinking in yourself, it is definitely worth a visit to your gp to ask for a referral for talking therapy. You do not have to live with the distress.

Now onto the lighter side of my life and hence the whole reason I do it, my card therapy! This week I have created a card for the Wow! Embossing Powder June Blog Challenge - Nature. It is my first attempt at a blog challenge and it was interesting to see what I could create from a theme. I love +WOW! Embossing Powders so have plenty and it is very easy to use and produce beautiful results. Apologies for the terrible photo - need a better camera!

I have used a Kanban crafts tree stamp with various colours of +WOW! Embossing Powders including Pastel Pink (blossoms) , Earthtone Nutmeg (autumn), Opaque Bright White Superfine (winter), Green Glitz Embossing Glitter (summer), and put a little Clear Sparkle Embossing Glitter on the butterflies on the backing paper (Craftwork Cards - also the big pink flowers - diy curling). I have also used Papermania Copper Embossing powder for the tree trunks and some Ranger Superfine Gold mixed in with the Earthtone Nutmeg and Copper for the autumn tree. The butterfly is from Anna Marie Designs as wooden blank and I have used IndigoBlu's Yorkshire Dales Mega Flakes and a bit of quilling to decorate it. Also used +Spellbinders Paper Arts of course, large circles dies, ribbon tag die and the branch is from the Cherry Blossom dies.

Would love you to leave a comment if you stop by,

It's nearly the weekend!

Emma x

Therapeutic ventures

Good morning all,

I am sat here gingerly this morning with a frozen gel pack against my lumbosacral region as the recent combination of over-exuberant gardening and frequent linen changes of a very low toddler bed has reignited an old back injury caused by my former life as a midwife. Daily contortions around labouring, birthing and breastfeeding women have taken their toll and left me with back which does not appreciate the abuse it is asked to tolerate. However after a careful weekend of intermittent standing, lying, anti-inflammatories, and repeatedly freezing my muscles into submission, I'm relieved to find it slightly improved today. I would have found it unbearable to have another day of inactivity. Although, requesting the husband to take command of all nappy changes has been a pleasant bonus.

It's been bad, but not quite as bad as the last time I seriously injured my back and all attempts to crawl into the car to go to A&E had failed. I was lay on the flags by the front door, with all the neighbours watching excitedly as I writhed around in agony, and my husband thought I needed covering with a quilt to keep warm. The ambulance arrived and my husband was requested to move the aforementioned car to get the ambulance closer to me, which he did hastily, running over my foot in the process, causing a meltdown of epic proportions, the unsympathetic paramedic to insist I get a grip, and me to lie there wishing the husband could just do a job properly for once and finish me off completely. True story without embellishments - you couldn't make it up.

However, on a serious note, being incapacitated requires a mental strength I do not possess, and I really admire the strength of people who suffer but cope with immobility on a more permanent basis. Conversely though I can completely understand the rationale behind the late campaigners Diane Pretty and Tony Nicklinson's fight for the right to die. Controversial and extreme, yes, but prime examples of how mental suffering can be far more devastating than the actual physical suffering. As a person with both professional and personal experience of the devastating effects of mental illness with or without an accompanying  physiological illness, I would advocate any method experienced as helpful to the individual to maintain and improve mental health, be that drug-based, talking therapy, meditation/yoga, something totally different, or any combination of these, placed in no particular order of importance. For my husband, it's running. For me, it's a combination of all of the above, Classic FM, and my card therapy because of the resulting pleasure it brings to both myself during the creative process and the person receiving the end product. Having recently completed my latest bout of talking therapy with a fantastic psychotherapist, and missing the outlet and support those sessions brought, I have been searching for constructive articles to read and found these free guided meditations and also this interesting +Psychologies article '5 Ways to Thrive Without Having Therapy' which others may also find useful.

So, onto my therapeutic card creating of last week! Here is my moving house card:

Made using a combination of Spellbinders dies, ric rac, Tonic Studios punches, +WOW! Embossing Powders in Pastel Pink and Lili of the Valley sentiment, fancy brad and key charm.

I will sign off now with another couple of photos:

One from my garden this morning and the other from a card I made last summer.

Have a lovely Monday everyone, time to go and get hugs and kisses off my little hellraisers,

Emma x

Quill to Thrill!

Hi

The postman brought me some new Spellbinders goodies from Samuel Taylors this morning, which I can't wait to try out - watch this space. I really must make time for a trip down to their Leeds branch, but then on second thoughts, I'm pretty sure the bank balance couldn't cope with being face to face with all those craft goodies. That reminds me, need to get a new lottery ticket! Can always dream... my own craft room... huge desk... all the Spellbinders and Martha Stewart products you could ever wish for... patterned papers stacked to the ceiling... sea view... would need the ability to stop time too, hmmm perhaps getting a little carried away.

Actually I'm quite happy with my craft corner in our south-facing kitchen. I have a lovely white desk, although it's a bit tricky to spot the surface sometimes, and even got the drill out to put a couple of shelves up a few months ago, which haven't landed on my head yet so can't be too bad. The kids are fully briefed that it is absolutely-out-of-bounds-mummy's-desk-don't-even-think-about-it, and the Promarkers well hidden so no crafty surprises/nightmares yet. I can catch 5 minutes here and there when the kids are playing nice, - make that 2 minutes - to die cut some shapes or to stamp something to leave to dry until later, so it's handy that my craft space is downstairs at the moment. I love checking out other people's craft spaces on Pinterest from the super-organised, and brilliant ideas, to the very practical or moremoneythansense!

Quilling is fantastically therapeutic as a craft, although a little fiddly, and is relatively inexpensive to produce something visually appealing. So thought I would show you one of my very early creations that I made for a graduation card:

Ignore the lips, slip of the hand I think! I based the idea on one of Diane Crane's quilled people in Quilled Greetings Cards. Daffodils are very simple to do:

Look lovely though don't they? They would be good on a canvas to brighten a wall too.

There is a brilliant quilled boiled egg and cup of coffee in this month's Crafts Beautiful (August) worth a look, very quirky!

Till my next blog,

Emma x

The Gift of Memories

Hi,

If ever I needed a day of card therapy today was one of them! I haven't much to show for the last few days unfortunately as family life has taken precedence but have been working on a 'New Home' card that I will share once the recipients have received it.

Ninety years ago today Edith was born. I would have loved to have been making a fabulous 90th card over the weekend but bloody lung cancer took her away from us last year. My amazing, funny, strong, cantankerous, fiercely independent grandma. It is almost impossible to comprehend the changes in the world she saw over her lifetime. I admire the strength of character that defined her: in the absence of my grandpa during the war, raising two daughters whilst he worked away in Africa, and how she handled herself in the years following his premature death in 1989.

Grief has overwhelmed me today like a tide consumes the beach. Memories of her enjoying the garden, talking to me, discussing her latest plans, and holding my children have flooded in, causing my throat to tighten. I couldn't bring myself to sit at my desk but adopted my usual approach to feeling pain and that is to flit from task to task. Anyone that has experienced grief will understand feeling that the world is an unbearable place without that missing piece of your life.

But bearing pain and managing those feelings is an essential part of mental well-being. Life does continue and finding the resilience to be part of that life despite adversity is key. So tonight I when I watched my youngest son trying his hardest to throw a ball over the fence, and failing, and trying again, so enthusiastically; I smiled and looked at my husband smiling too. My family now wouldn't exist if it wasn't for Edith. Thank you grandma, for all you gave me xxx

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

(Mary Elizabeth Frye, 1932)

Love to all,

Emma x

Year of the Butterfly

Hello!

By my reckoning, since having children I have lost 6 months worth of sleep. 6 MONTHS! That's working on about 4 hours less a night - admittedly I was a bit of a hypersomniac (just looked it up, never heard of it before either) and absolutely loved my bed. Functioning with sleep deprivation is like being fired out of a cannon through a brick wall and having to do a triathlon immediately after. Yesterday was one of those days and by mid-morning I had to accept things just weren't going to go as planned due to nocturnal disturbances from the little people in our house. Despite my best attempts, I wasn't happy with anything I created.

However today following a lovely 7 hour sleep I've felt back on form, and continuing with yesterday's half-creations, managed to come up with a card I feel happy with. Butterflies are everywhere now aren't they? Not just the real Buddleia-loving, long-legged beauties but their colourful images feature on clothes, jewellery, stationery and even made an appearance on Eurovision this year! I could probably set up an Ebay shop with my butterfly-related craft stash but do enjoy making use of it so here is my latest effort:

It's made up of a washi tape border, Papermania red shimmer card, and pearlescent white card embossed with 'Intrinsic' by Couture Creations. I can't remember which make of die the butterflies are I'm afraid (not Spellbinders), but there are many lovely ones out there. I have used more Papermania shimmer card and silver mirri card. A Spellbinders blossom die with a LOTV sentiment embossed with WOW Pomegranate powder finishes my card. I also made a matching tag with a Go Kreate die and Tonic Studios punch.

Let me know what you think! Go on... be my first post(er) - my Lancashire prince doesn't count!

Gotta go supervise [husband's management of] the kid's bathtime/bedtime routine, I need that beauty sleep!

Get crafting!
Emma x

If I turn my back for a second

Hi all,

Not a moment to blog this morning as my little wrecking ball Matthew is running amok around me and if I turn my back I usually find him launching himself off the highest point he can climb upon. I just hear "5,2,1 BLAST OFF" and a heart-in-mouth thud... then he does it again with a big grin. Adrenaline junkie in the making we think.

However he is at my feet with his big brother's transformer (whilst the cat's away...) so am grabbing a moment to type like mad. Thought I would show you a wedding card I made a few weeks ago for my very elegant cousin Adele who married David in Glasgow.

I really got a lot of pleasure from creating this card. The stamped image is a really cute £1 Hobbycraft stamp, WOW powder embossed - one of my favourite crafting pastimes, just love seeing the image come to life.

AAAARGH aforementioned child has just managed to climb up to the cupboard, get the hundreds and thousands out, give it a vigorous shake and yes - you've guessed it. Brief hoovering interlude needed.

Naptime respite ('There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him to sleep' - Ralph Waldo Emerson).

I have used Centura pearl card. Papermania for the purple with Arlington vellum. Spellbinders Grand Large Labels and another favourite of mine - a bit of quilling, simple cream ribbon bow and there you have it. I do favour non-fussy designs but I am intrigued with alternative design styles as I have a lot to learn and am sure my style will develop over time.

Let me know what you think!

Have a great afternoon,

Emma x